Alan Melton, LPC
Some of us will be sad during the Holidays, especially if we have lost a loved one in the past year. I have heard many patients say, “This first Christmas without my spouse (or child, etc) will be the hardest.” Grief is hard enough when there is not a Holiday coming. It is even harder once the Holiday arrives. I once told a client that “the reality of losing someone takes the mind a year to accept.” I believe that is true–at least a year–sometimes longer. Our minds are not prepared for the harsh reality of death. It takes time for the reality to sink in and become real to us. The time that it takes, no matter how long, is what we call grief or mourning. Most often we underestimate how long grief will take to heal. I have used one year as an average, but many feel it takes several years to work through some losses. That is why we call the process “Grief Work.” It is hard work. Unfortunately the general population is not always aware of just how long such a process takes. Our friends and family members often give us about 3 months to grieve and then they want us to be done with it. Why? Because they find it difficult to be around someone who is grieving. It is like being around someone who is depressed. It brings others down as well and they do not like that feeling. This is why we sometimes need to enter counseling to deal with our grief. A trained therapist is better able to bear our suffering and hear our pain–and for a longer period of time. When you go to therapy for your grief you may find you have a host of feelings to work through. You may be shocked at first and in a state of disbelief and numbness. You may feel overwhelmed with deep sadness. You may feel guilty and blame yourself somehow for the loss. You may have even been angry at the person you lost and fear that they left this earth not knowing that you loved them. No matter what your feelings are, a caring therapist will help you face those feelings and express them. Our natural tendency is to suppress our feelings rather than attend to them. This is exactly the opposite of what we need to do. Matter of fact the only way you can grieve wrongly is to not grieve at all. The key is to let the feelings come and to bear them–regardless of the amount of hurt or pain they cause. An empathic therapist knows this and will be with you throughout the process. If you can allow yourself such an experience in therapy, over time, your painful feelings of sadness will begin to heal. Holiday sadness is often about grief–especially the first Holiday Season without a loved one. But as I shared in the”Christmas as an Anniversary Reaction” post, Holiday sadness can also be due to left over grief from many year’s past. If you have any unresolved grief in your life, you can be pretty sure it will come to the surface during the Holidays. So whether your grief is fresh or is left over from the past, if you will let the grief come to your heart and mind, you will eventually feel better. You can process your grief with family and friends or you can seek therapy if it is just too much to bear. Either way remember,” the only wrong way to grieve is not to grieve.” I hope your Holiday can be as good as it can be even as you continue your grief work.